Saturday, June 30, 2012

Torn

A little torn.

Erik and I were talking about marriage again last night. I have nasty depression, only made worse post-partum, and it's struck hard this week. One of those times was Thursday night. We ended up fighting and I ended up self-harming a little, just causing myself pain. It's an old habit from high school that I had pretty much overcome. It's not a big deal, no one freak out. It's not even the focus of this post.

I'm working on it. And Erik knows about it. What I'm trying to get to is the discussion we had last night. We started talking about marriage again, which we had discussed Wednesday when he got the first interview. I asked him if Thursday night's events had made him doubt at all if he wanted to get married, or wonder if we would make it on a forever basis, or if he could handle being with me (I've got issues, dude), or anything like that. He told me no, all couples fight. I pointed out that we never do (we seriously never do, but he actually raised his voice at me during our fight Thursday), and he pointed out all the stress we'd been under, which is more than simply being new parents. Then I asked the question again, asking specifically if my self-harming changed anything and he still said no, just that it scared him a little.

I didn't want to get into it too much last night, so I became more pleasant and up-beat and told him I wanted to call him fiancé. I want to have that. And he pointed out not having a ring. I'm not honestly sure how much that matters to me. I do want a wedding band, but I've never been big on diamonds. Blood diamonds and all. Maybe a pearl or a white sapphire. And while thinking about that, I remembered the claddagh ring I own. It didn't really fit while pregnant, of course, but it might now. So I hopped up and found it and put it on my left ring finger and showed him. He teased me and said, "Yeah, but that doesn't count. I didn't give it to you." And I told him it did count. But he kept saying, "It doesn't count." And I know that a) he's right and b) he was just teasing me, but it kind of hurt. I tried not to show it. I told him it didn't matter, I just wanted to be moving forward with him. He said bluntly, "It's going to be a long engagement."

That's where it really hurt. I don't think he knows how much that hurt. Instantly it ran through my head: Aren't we going to get married if he gets this job (and benefits)? I had told him, Wednesday, straight up that I don't care about having a ceremony. We could have a party in the backyard (it's a beautiful backyard) with our family and friends. I just want to go down to the courthouse and sign my name away. I just want to be married to him.

Plus, I need the insurance. I need mental health support and soon the Celexa will be coming out of our pocket - and the script expires in November anyway. He told me he didn't want to do it for that reason, that it cheapens it. Thing is, we need it. Plain and simple. And it wouldn't be us hurrying despite what I really wanted because of it - it'd be doing what I really wanted (hurrying) and using it as an excuse. I want this.

He said something else, though, something I honestly barely caught. He asked me, "Can't you let me be the man? Get the ring, take you somewhere romantic, surprise you?"

Can't I let him be the man...

Honestly, I hadn't thought about that. I didn't know he wanted that. I wanted a surprise proposal and a ring, but that doesn't really matter anymore. We have a kid. We have medical needs, too. It's important. So now I'm torn. I don't want to take away anything he wanted just like he doesn't want to take away anything I wanted. But doesn't the urgency justify it? If it can get me the help I need, isn't that what matters most?

So I'm torn. I want to give him what he wants, and I do want the ring and the surprise. I even want the wedding, but that's not important to me anymore. But isn't what we need to happen more important? How do I not rush him and take away what's important to him while still pulling off what's important? How do I balance all of this?