Saturday, December 15, 2012


So Erik and I finalized our discussion on Santa or no. I listed my cons (materialism, pulling away from the together aspect, not wanting an imaginary guy to get credit for what we scraped together, how difficult I must have been when I told my mom "Well, I'll ask Santa!", not wanting my kid to sit on some grown man's lap at Christmas, etc.) and then he listed his pros. He expressed how he wanted her to have that magic like he did. He said his mom would help out and "be" Santa on some of the gifts, so not all the pressure would be put on us. I remembered a printable on Pinterest I'd found once for a Christmas list to Santa to help keep kids from getting too greedy. I pulled it up.

The link went to a blog called Home by Heidi, but it took a lot of digging to find the right entry. It turns out she, too, found it on Pinterest, and it is an idea I've seen in various printable forms since. Erik loved it. He said his mom would be excited to buy her a book, and his Aunt Julie would be all over the clothes part. And his mom fills a stocking from Santa every year. So we wouldn't have the entire burden, and she also wouldn't get greedy. So you could say I caved, but I really think it was just a good compromise. Santa is on!


I've been gone a while. I've tried to write a post several times since, but every time I started, I couldn't get the wording right. I got busy for a while, too busy to blog, when I started a new job at St. Jude. Finally! I was out of retail! But it was a temp job and it fell through after two months, through no fault of my own. I was sworn he'd call us back as soon as possible. Hopefully, in a week! That was eight weeks and one day ago. I looked it up for ya'll. You're welcome.

So after about three weeks, my friend Katie (who I honestly don't know if I've talked about on here before) told me to apply at her JCPenney. So I did, and I got a phone call almost exactly ten minutes after I submitted my application online, before she could even tell her bosses, "Hey, I found your next star!" like she had promised. So I got hired and it's another temporary (seasonal) job, but I think this one actually will pan out. I've even almost gotten over how butthurt I felt when my supervisor at St. Jude consistently refused to call me back (he had told me to call after a certain day). I still have my locker key and he has my expensive tennis shoes locked up in there, but without my expired name badge, I can't even get onto the campus, and it's not worth the possible humiliation of someone there seeing me and recognizing me. I really miss some of the friendships that had been developing, though.

Anyway, now I'm dwelling again. I think I could really enjoy my time at JCP. We find out soon who stays and who goes, and I'm hoping to stay and move off the floor to the support team. If I go, we're fucked. We got our own place a few days before I lost the job at St. Jude, but went through with the move anyway. Luckily, we had a little bit of savings. When that ran out, we took out the ~three grand in Erik's old retirement fund from FedEx. That'll tide us over until he gets an extra couple grand from his student loan some time next month. Between those, we'll make it until he's done with school and can get a better job, hopefully as a decently-paid personal trainer, or maybe at a local high school. He'll be doing his internship this last semester there coaching the basketball team and there's a small-but-not-insignificant chance that it could turn into a job. I'm secretly rooting for personal trainer because I think it would pay better. However, coaching at a high school would be closer to his dream job (strength and conditioning coach for an NFL team), so I'd most rather he'd be happy.

So why did I title this post Nightmare? Because I woke up from one and retreated to my computer. Everyone has that one dream subject that really fucks with their mind. It makes you wake up and wish you didn't ever have to sleep again. Mine is zombies. It sounds laughable, but when you really think about what they are, and the terror that is suddenly being overrun by them and not having enough ammo or something, it's perfectly logical that a zombie dream would make you wake up, heart racing, all sweaty and terrified, and paranoid, and accidentally thinking the way that pile of laundry is sitting on the chair in your living room looks like a corpse sitting at rest waiting to wake at the sound of you. Oh, and also to make you terrified of your large glass patio doors, because that would be a very easy entry point. Point being, I am now sitting up at my computer because I will not go back to sleep. I have woken up a number of times and keep returning to the dream and I do not like it. I think I need to turn on something nice and sweet on Netflix, but that doesn't always work... I find myself really wishing I had my dog to snuggle...

Oh, that. We had to surrender Tucker to the animal shelter on Thursday. He has behavioral problems that came to a head. We could no longer ignore them or try to fix him. We were the wrong kind of family for him. For the sake of our daughter and our sanity, we had to give him up. Good news is, with the holidays upon us, the man at the shelter was very nice and optimistic about his chances of being adopted soon. He'd be perfectly for a family with a stay-at-home mom or something, especially with kids and maybe other dogs. He did better living with my parents, which made it so easy to ignore his problems. He had four dogs to follow and my mom was usually home. He responded to a shock collar and his only aggression was the occasional scuffle over food with the other big dog or if you spanked him he'd growl and if you got nasty, he might snap at you. A bad thing, I know. Not good around Everleigh, no matter how unbelievable he was with her. But something the right environment can work on.

Anyway, I don't want to talk about it. I didn't even plan on bringing it up. This post was originally going to be a quick sum up and then talking about the dilemma I have as a former Christian, especially around the holidays (religious songs that I still love, other ones that are more modern that I don't like that JCP plays and I accept in this public forum only because Jesus technically is the reason for the season, people tell me to have a "blessed day" and me awkwardly having to nod...). Really, I'm just always looking for quotes on Pinterest and there's plenty of good ones, but then they have "Psalms such and such" or something across it. And that's totally cool, but it's not like quoting other old texts. It has a current meaning and there are current followers. People will make assumptions about you, like if you post a lot of quotes from someone with a liberal stance. And while "Christian" is not the worst assumption for people to make (and the older black ladies I work(ed) with here or at St. Jude tend(ed) to assume so anyway), it's not me. Especially since it was me, I feel this urge to differentiate myself. Even when the quote is beautiful...

I'm not sure how to do Christmas without it. It's easy enough when you're just two of you, going between the homes of the extended family. But now I have Everleigh. Without the Christ of it, how do you make this something more than a holiday to celebrate materialism? Christmas means so much to me. It's a time for family and to express your love with gift giving and receiving. It's a time to make a mess with cookie baking and sharing and eating. It's not just consumerism to me. I actually feel the notion of "Santa" (be good only so you can receive more presents?) makes that harder to teach. I don't want to do Santa with her. My mom is all OMG YOU HAVE TO! and I think Erik wants to, too, so I'll probably cave...

Oh Lord, it's after two. I initially went to bed quite early because Evers went down too early. Then when I woke up, I wasn't even that sleepy anymore. Now is about when I'd go to sleep when I stay up late. Hell, my alarm still goes off exactly eight hours from now. But I'm going to sleep. In between taking too long to type this, I put on some beautiful Youtube covers and caught up with my oldest friend. It's been a good way to take my mind off... the thing I don't want to think about in case I have more dreams...

It's good to write again. I'll try to do it more often. I have some wonderful pictures from the town square with my daughter, my best friend, and her daughter. It's all lit up now. So beautiful. I also made sock snowmen that I found on Pinterest as a gift for my MIL. I'll share all these pictures soon. Night, guys.

Sunday, September 16, 2012

Yearbooks and Savings

Shutterfly has up to 40% off on photo books through the 18th. More specifically it's "Save 40% on 12x12 photo books. Save 25% on 8x8 and 8x11 photo books. Save 15% on 7x9 and 5x7 photo books." Still cool. Also, over 30 bucks gets you free shipping with "SHIP30" and "CARD4U" gets you one free card. I don't know how long those two last. Good to think about, though. I love Shutterfly stuff.

I found a yearbook thing on Pinterest and I'm going to probably use Pinterest to do it. You make a family yearbook of each year of your life as a family. Since Erik and I got together last year, I've thought about doing one with 2011 photos, but I need to get a cord for my external harddrive. I'll probably just wait to start this year, though, since Everleigh was born.

Oh! And I almost forgot. If anyone wants it, I have 25% off promo code specific for one use. I also offered it on Facebook, but no one responded. The last day to use it is Wednesday and I'm not going to end up using it, so comment if you want it.

Stationery card

Got ten free Holiday cards from Shutterfly in my email. Had to order by Tuesday. Picked a couple favorite pictures of our family and made one. It even took off the extra charge to have half of them come with pre-addressed envelopes because I hate addressing envelopes.

It makes me feel all ~special family~ and ~grown up~ to make a holiday card. I love Shutterfly. They ran a special for a 29.99 off (or free, if you get the same size I got last time) photobook a week or so ago that I caught on the last day. I gave my copy from before to Liza and so I ordered one for myself now.

I want Shutterfly gift cards...

Merry Everything Christmas Card
Design your Christmas cards at
View the entire collection of cards.

New Hair!

So I haven't been around in a while. It's amazing how your life can go from empty to crazy in a heartbeat. I got the new job at St. Jude I mentioned before. It means I basically live at work and it's exhausting, but in the best possible way. I'll write more about it later.

I made an attempt today to fulfill a bucket list item: Dye my hair a spectacularly unnatural shade (#46). Namely, pink. I consulted with a stylist at the local Ulta salon, using a clip-in colored extension as the inspiration piece. She got the dye to match perfectly and seven and a half hours later........

I left with black hair.

Oh, and bangs. And under-eye bags. And a ridiculous boyfriend.
In the right light, you can detect a hint of purple/pink/berry cast. But essentially it didn't work. I think the problem was that we decided it was too light after one application, then left the second application on too long. It just got darker and darker. Because we bleached it first, it has nowhere to go but lighter when it fades, so she predicted that in about two weeks it'll be where I planned it (matching the extension piece). She also said I could try the clarifying shampoo I'd mentioned owning. I'm afraid to screw it up completely, but I may try that in the morning and see if it washes more dye out and brings out some pink.

On the bright side, whatever happens, she did not charge me the 200 it would have cost me without the coupon I had - or the 165 it actually did cost. (It was a haircut and two colors, not because of the second application, but because she mixed a red with what was technically called violet something, but matched the pink extension almost perfectly.) In fact, she didn't charge me a damned thing. She seriously rang it up then said I paid cash and told me goodbye, handing me the receipt. I was stunned - so much so that I forgot to tip the woman. I plan to return to her for my next cut (I enjoyed the seven-and-a-half hours of conversation on top of liking the unexpected end results) and will tip her double. I said so in the text I sent her; she texted me pictures she took for me throughout the progress because I forgot my phone in the car when Erik dropped me off.

Speaking of which...
Since I had not shelled out the expected fortune (I budgeted it into my allowance and the sixty bucks I won off the Packers-Bears game [go Pack!] Thursday), Erik and I went to Penny's (it's right next door to Ulta) and surprised the friend I had planned to go to the Cooper-Young Festival with before taking an inordinate amount of time at the salon. Katie played saleslady and we bought a couple things for Ever - some for now, some for when she's bigger. Then we went to Barnes and Noble because Erik loves it as much as I do and bought some stuff. Then we shelled out 83 dollars at Walmart, which I'm not really sure how that was done... We bought shampoo, conditioner, mousse, eyeliner, and three magazines. Oh, and a jacket for winter because I was looking for a women's sherpa-style jacket all last year and couldn't find one that had more than just the hood lined in the fuzzy fleece. This year they have a whole section devoted to them and I got one in a pretty blue.

Oh, and I got new reading glasses. My old pair broke and I've been spending my lunch breaks reading stuff I have from Pixel of Ink on my Kindle and I need a pair.

Erik helped pick them out.

Wow, this ended up long. Anyway, I'm happy. I hope it fades to pink because I really wanted it. But if it doesn't, I'll live, I think. I'll just have to cross it off my bucket list later.

Thursday, August 9, 2012

Photo Book

So I got a free baby book offer from Shutterfly in the mail before Ever was born. I found it again yesterday and realized it was expiring on the 31st. So I decided to make a picture book of her first two months. Not only did I want to share it with you guys, but you also get a ten dollar certificate for embedding your projects. So, here it is! Tell me what you think.

Click here to create your own Shutterfly photo book.

Tuesday, July 31, 2012

The Three-Day Diet

I bought grapefruit today.

I don't like grapefruit.

I love Pinterest. I have to tell you that. It's incredible for sharing things you'd never otherwise find. My favorite are recipes. The more chocolaty, the better. Between a blog I found through Facebook and all the stuff Pinterest has to offer, I have Christmas covered, guys.

Now, I have a couple boards for several things, covering most of the Pinterest categories. Even tattoos, and they only just made that an official category. One thing I don't have, though, is a board for weight loss. Maybe I should. Weight loss tips and exercise routines keep popping up in my stream, or whatever it's called on Pinterest, but I don't usually care for many of them. Anything I do like goes onto my "other" board. Maybe I should try to find some things I do like and finally make that fitness board? Maybe.

I would have to start with the three-day diet. Apparently, in three days you should lose up to ten pounds. You could lose, potentially, forty pounds in a month. I did weigh myself last Friday (no pictures, though) and I was 239. Yikes. My best weight was around 160 by Spring of 2011. I have gained all that weight back and then some since having Everleigh. I'm heavier than I've ever been in my life. But I could potentially lose eighty pounds in two months and be back at my favorite weight if I did this diet.

You're supposed to follow it for three days in a row (I would pick Sunday, Monday, Tuesday due to scheduling) and then eat like normal, but not in excess (you don't want to gain it back), for four days. Then you do it again. Thus, forty pounds in four weeks.

The original poster said this was shared with her by a military man that attended her church. They sometimes use it to lose weight quickly. It is supposed to be a safe and effective diet. I believe someone calculated it at about 1200 calories a day, which is fine, at least for a woman. I think it's also okay for a man, especially if it's only three of seven days each week. The concern is hypoglycemia. I am actually very prone to it, but it's not severe. It was bad when I was pregnant, but I know how to keep from having anything happen and don't even usually have to think about it. If I have a sugary breakfast I sometimes get weak, but that's it for the most part. The original poster said she only did it for two days because of hypoglycemic symptoms and still lost five pounds. Two of her friends did all three and each lost eight.

I'd be happy losing eight pounds in a week.

I asked Erik if he would do it with me and he said yes. I showed him the diet and I know it'll be harder for him than me. I eat less than he does. He's a big guy, and I don't just mean his waistline (which really isn't bad, he's just gained weight since we got together; he's still my sexy man). I don't know where he got that build, but there's a reason he's been hired as a bouncer before.

I love it.

Anyway... I even got him to agree to let me take pictures of him like I did me. I say "got him to," but it was as simple as, "Would it be okay if I photographed you when we did it?" "Yeah." "...For my blog?" "Yeah." "That means showing off your weight on the internet." "Yeah, that's fine." I love him.

Sidebar: I fucking love him. He's unbelievably supportive of anything I want to do. There's never a "no you can't" or resistance. He even said he'd consider letting me paint the ceiling purple when we have our own place. (Or maybe he didn't say that, but I've decided that he did. That's another reason I love him. I get to be a brat and he thinks it's cute. Sexy even. So maybe there's something wrong with his brain, but why fix it? :P)

So I'm going to copy the diet in here. I put the link to the original post, but I don't like her formatting. It's difficult to read, especially when she lists each day's meals. However, it's good to read the comments if you want.


  • Breakfast:
    • 1/2 grapefruit
    • 1 slice toast
    • 2 tbs. peanut butter
    • coffee or tea
  • Lunch:
    • 1/2 cup tuna
    • 1 slice toast
    • coffee or tea
  • Dinner:
    • 2 slices any type of meat (about 3 oz.)
    • 1 cup green beans
    • 1/2 banana
    • 1 small apple
    • 1 cup vanilla ice cream

  • Breakfast:
    • 1 egg
    • 1 slice toast
    • 1/2 banana
  • Lunch:
    • 1/2 cup cottage cheese (or 1 slice cheddar cheese)
    • 1 hard boiled egg
    • 5 saltine crackers
  • Dinner:
    • 2 hot dogs (no buns)
    • 1 cup broccoli
    • 1/2 cup carrots
    • 1/2 banana
    • 1/2 cup vanilla ice cream

  • Breakfast:
    • 5 saltine crackers
    • 1 slice cheddar cheese
    • 1 small apple
  • Lunch:
    • 1 hard boiled egg
    • 1 slice toast
  • Dinner:
    • 1 cup tuna
    • 1/2 banana
    • 1 cup vanilla ice cream
So the big rule, I guess, is you're not allowed to substitute anything. I do not like tuna (day one, day three) and I will not eat it. Knowing full well it may damage the success of this diet, I will find some other protein around the same amount of calories to eat. I know that's cheating, but I can't do it otherwise. I do not like cottage cheese (day two) either, but luckily they gave an alternative already. Cheddar isn't my favorite cheese, but I do like it, as long as it's not sharp cheddar. (I like mild, my mom buys medium to compromise between me and my dad. I can deal with that.)

You can use salt and pepper, but no other seasoning. On the first day you're allowed coffee or tea, but you're only allowed to drink water at any other point. It sucks cause I'm a total crack whore for milk right now, but I'll live. Erik will have a harder time, I think, cutting out Coke Zero. I don't think he's developed a caffeine addiction yet, but it may be close. But he can drink it the other four days, so that's fine.

Oh, and no eating between meals.

The comments say it works. It works better if you're active, obviously. It is a military diet after all. We're going to try it. I don't care for grapefruit, but I'll eat it. My mom says she knows how to make it less bitter and that's without sugar. She's gonna teach us how to properly eat a grapefruit.

We'll see if this works. I'll post starting weights and pictures when we start. The grapefruit is in the fridge, so it'll probably be this coming week.

Oh, and if it doesn't work, I found a more liberal (or it appears to be, without reading it that thoroughly yet) version here that promises the same results, numberswise. We'll see what happens.

Wish us luck!

Saturday, July 28, 2012

Two Broke Women Doing Random Shit: Hot Fudge Sundae Oreo Brownies

Two Broke Women Doing Random Shit: Hot Fudge Sundae Oreo Brownies: Wow. I've been meaning to post this for almost two weeks now. Guess who procrastinates? This girl! I had my six-week post-partum OB back o...

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Organize My Life - Budgeting!

Yeah, I think my parents definitely decided to sell, they just have to decide what they want to buy first. It's so confusing.

I didn't get to that bin until yesterday. I suck. But what I did do is stay up til 5:30 yesterday morning working on budget spreadsheets in Excel. I made one for this month and plugged everything in, using a template provided for free even in my Starter version. I then made one for every month for the rest of 2012. I threw in thirty bucks for Ever's Halloween costume in October, if I feel like dressing her up. (It's a photo-op and I just can't resist those.) I budgeted in for Christmas in December, deciding how much we should spend on Ever and whether or not Erik and I will pay for our gifts to each other ourselves or if they can come out of the family budget. I allotted for a forty-a-month-each cash allowance for whatever the fuck we want. (We need that system.) And, even though December ended up negative, I managed to have us saving one hundred dollars a month - and that's without me getting a better job (I'm meeting with the guy from the Animal Research Center at St. Jude's next week Thursday, though) and with him leaving Best Buy after August.

Guys, I even budgeted in a box of my hair dye every month.

I wasn't done there. I went ahead and made a quarterly sheet for July through September and one for October through December. Then I made a yearly one, though it only calculates June through December. Then I went fancy and made those sheets (all in one file, a feature that makes me nerdgasm over Excel) calculate automatically.

Then I made 2013, January through December.

I was on a roll, guys.

I have a cold that hit hard Monday morning and basically wiped me out. I stayed up late with friends Sunday to celebrate Ever's baptism and then slept til after four in the afternoon, unable to make myself wake up. Then I napped all evening after dinner until I woke around ten or eleven. Then I couldn't sleep.

Do you want to see the beautiful fruits of my labor? (The answer is yes.)

You should totally look at it full-sized. It's awesome. Even though I forgot to turn "monthly" into "yearly" in the income sections. Oops...

I got to brag about it to Erik in the morning and then my mom. At first this will only be to find out how much we spend, where we can save, and eventually how much we can afford to live on when we move out. As it stand now, we're never getting the hell out of here. But if some things change around (if Erik gets a personal trainer job when he finishes classes, if I get a better job) we'll be able to work it out, and I'll e able to figure it out with the help of my handy-dandy spreadsheet.

I'm so excited, guys.

On a related note, I did get to the yellow bin last night. I had very little to throw away, but there were a lot of loose papers and folders just stacked in the bottom of the bin that I needed to file, plus a chunk of unused or barely used notebooks/journals that I need to rehome. I began to condense all Erik's school crap before needing to go to bed. (It was already a little after three.)

However, the only reason I wasn't able to do more was because in between I stopped and put away two big baskets full of Ever's laundry. There was so much folding and hanging! Then I went so far as to completely redo all her clothing storage. She has a new home for her socks, I got all her hats and bibs in their bin, and I relegated all pants, leggings, and skirts to a bin in the cubical shelves, even if they were the match to anything. My back was throbbing and burning by the time I'd finished. But hey, now I know where everything is. Erik doesn't, but I do. Haha.

There's so much that I want to do and so much going on. And I go back to work next week. Both excited and desperately not looking forward to it. I wanna get out of the house, but I don't wanna be on my feet that much. I hate retail. Hopefully it'll help give me the boost to lose all this weight, though. Anyone heard of the three day diet? I'm tempted to give it a shot while my dad's out of town. Problem is, I hate tuna. I don't think I like grapefruits, either, but I can give it a shot.

I've got more I want to do, but tonight is a break night, I think. I've got laundry going, a major multi-day project that's been building up and needing tackling. It counts. I need to be lazy, and maybe try to sleep at a decent hour tonight.

I leave you with my favorite picture from her exorcism baptism:


Thursday, July 19, 2012

Organize My Life - Filing Away

My parents are probably going to sell their house. We've currently got all our crap stuffed in my old bedroom and - quite frankly - we have ten pounds of shit stuffed into a five pound can. They'll want to show the house, obviously, so we're going to have to fix this. This is a good-sized bedroom, but the way things are now, it doesn't look like it. I don't know what they're planning on us doing, but I'm trying right now to just condense and organize.

We have papers everywhere, boxes and bins of crap we don't need or even know about. The other night I was looking for a notebook of mine that I'd written Erik's bank account info in a while back because I wanted to be naughty and get something off etsy. I dug everywhere I could think of and never found my pink scribble book. I did, however, finally discover the location of my "missing" purple file bin. (I have a purple, green, blue, and yellow one. I thought I had a pink, but if I did, it's somewhere else now. I had managed to hide the purple one from myself in my closet.) I also found that the banker's box sitting on my closet shelf was not an organized box of anything. It was a dump site for a shit-ton of papers, mostly Erik's schoolwork.

That happens a lot, the random dumping of papers. We get a lot of things we need to file and a lot of random mail and it all ends up in one spot, just tossed there to be tended to later - and then it's not tended to. Ever.

I also had a ton of laundry all over that needed to be put away - especially Ever's laundry. So I enlisted Erik before he had to go to work tonight and we got that put away. Then after he left I pulled out the bins. There was a blue bin that was sorted but not filed - his schoolwork. Then there was the purple bin - existing files. I finally let go of sentimentality and threw away about half of it. There's still a yellow bin I haven't pulled out. I'll probably do it tomorrow or Friday. Tomorrow is Family Night and even though they're having it Saturday because Erik's grandma Joyce is in town for Everleigh's baptism (by the way, she's getting baptized Sunday), they want to do an early evening Thursday one. I think after that it'll be on the weekends because Erik's brother Ethan got a new job, too, so two of the brothers can't do it now. And I think Elliot will be able to do weekends. Not sure. It's all so confusing. I just show up where I'm told to be.

Anyway. Blue bin done. Purple bin done. Banker's box done. To do: Yellow bin. Pile on the printer. Crap on desk. Pile on cubicals (bookshelves). I think I have crap in the nightstand, too. But all these other piles are relatively small. The only big one left is the yellow bin, and that's already filed, I just need to condense it. It should be pretty easy.

This is me earlier, buried in papers and files on our bed:

Love my ratty old butterfly PJ pants.
See how messy the cubes are in the background? I will tame this room again.

I say again like we've ever been organized... When I first arrived at his house, all my crap was just dumped in his living room. I never fully unpacked even my clothes. And my mess made him messy because we were just all over each other - and not in the good way. (Well, also in the good way.) And then we moved very quickly into my old room, where we had even less room. But now I'm determined to fix this. I want to toss and shift and make it all good. I've never been organized in my life, but I want to get us our own place (even if it's a rental) and I want to start off fresh. I'm also working on a budget and figuring out how to live on our money. And we've vowed to eliminate fast food. And to work on an allowance each instead of free spending. I'm the worse one at that. And we're supposed to start saving. I wanna move out around the new year. If we take (big) baby steps, we might make that happen. His mom has already agreed to help us out with rent, at least until he's done with school and can get his personal trainer cert. They can make decent money right off the bat.

Anyway, I've hit my rambling point and I need to cut myself off. It's just shy of four in the morning. I couldn't help myself tonight. The baby is attempting to sleep through the night the last two nights, so she's let me work on this, and I had a burst of drive and energy. I actually committed to this one. Even with taking a break to watch this week's episode of Dallas on the DVR.

Right. Rambling.

This is my tired ass saying good night and signing off. Don't I look exhausted? I am. But also very pleased with myself.

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

Noms and Puppy!

So we're going to forget about my need to lose weight for a minute. I had my six week check up today and got my cervix pinched with some horrible instrument. I get to make brownies. So I made Hot Fudge Sundae Oreo Cookie Brownies. I think I overcooked them a little cause the cream got a bit hard. But they were delicious anyway. A post will go up in Two Broke Women within the next couple days. So I have a couple pictures right now to share. First, me nomming the deliciousness. Then my beautiful dog Tucker being nutty. He wanted to cuddle when I sat down to take a picture, but I pushed him away and he decided that meant play time. Haha. He's cute.

Monday, July 16, 2012

Creature of the Night

First thing's first. VAMPIRE BEBEH!!!

When they wake up at 4:30 in the morning, you gotta do what you can to make light of the situation. For the record, the original picture is here. Isn't she adorable? My friend Dani told me she looks "derpy," though, and she kind of has a point lol. I love it. She can be totally ridiculous sometimes. I can't wait til she's older and can pose. Brooke (over at The Circle Married the Line) has a three year old and I love the sassy pictures she's got of her. I was a pretty cute kid, too, and my mom has some pictures that make me hope my kid's as adorable. XD That sounds really self-centered, but I don't mean it that way.

So while we're talking about me... I did not remember to weigh myself on time this week. However, I stole one of my mom's new cute shirts to go to a party Saturday night and it looked great. A little bit snug, but you couldn't really tell. My boobs looked fantastic. I actually got compliments. (My friends are not shy.) My mom's smaller than me right now, so I like being able to occasionally steal her cute clothes. I talked her into buying them anyway.

Hopefully I'll remember to weigh in next Thursday. Maybe I'll even post a photo. I think it'll have been a month, right? So nervous. I do not look any better.

Subject change entirely. The aforementioned Brooke and I have created a collaborative blog to craft and bake and be ridiculous in. We have named it Two Broke Women Doing Random Shit. The username "doingrandomshit" was actually available, so duh. We had to pick that one. There's a link in the tabs on the top of my blog. So far we haven't done anything but format it and write a test post, but when we finally get around to doing anything, I'll post about it. I want to try making Oreo Brownies with a mix I have in the pantry, and I also volunteered to help my mom make photo coasters based off these photo blocks as a super touching gift for her best friend's fiftieth birthday. She's the last of the four of them to turn fifty. My dad just did in June and she does in August. They're the babies. She and her husband got my dad a super sweet (and hilarious, and raunchy) Shutterfly book of pictures from their friendship together since we met them fourteen years ago.

Holy crap, I feel old. Just last night I realized I'd been friends with two of the people I was partying with (one being the host, my BFF Katie) since I was 13. I'm 22. Nine years. Nearly a decade I've known these bitches lol. I guess that's why I still put up with their crap. Glad I do, too, or I wouldn't have met Erik. He was into Katie when I met him and I was about to move to Colorado to be with my now ex-fiance. Crazy stuff, right?

Okay, she's been asleep an hour now and I think she actually really is going to sleep. I wonder if I should risk moving her to her bassinet. She doesn't like laying in it very much and I don't know why. But she's hogging the bed lol. She's, like, twelve pounds or something (I really have no idea right now) and yet manages to hog the king-sized bed. She's like my Shih Tzu Randi. Jeez...

Well, for one reason or another, I'm ending this post and going to try and get some sleep. OB appointment this afternoon. Night! And morning!

Saturday, July 14, 2012

Six Weeks

This growth spurt thing is crap. It's five in the morning and I still haven't gone to sleep. Yesterday I woke my mom up at five because I was scared I was gonna lose it if she didn't take her, and then I cried myself to sleep. She used to actually have her nights down. She might stay up til three, but then she'd sleep at least six hours. Now she's out all day, but takes thirty minute power naps at night before waking up and bawling. She eats and eats and eats. I'm supposed to return to work soon and I don't know how in the world I'll do it... Erik works nights now. He can't stay up with her and let me get sleep anymore. He's not even home.

I hate this. I love her, but I hate this.

Wednesday, July 11, 2012


You know a particularly interesting thing about being in a committed, totally secure long-term relationship is? Making friends. Mainly, male friends. When I first started dating Erik, I was living in Colorado. His other friend from Memphis, also entwined in my group of friends but I'd never met him, had moved a couple months before me to Denver. His name is Andy. He's pretty much a totally awesome dude. He's 24 or 25, a gunsmith, prematurely balding, and a little taller than me, but not much. He's one of the most fun people to talk to ever and a total catch, especially since the balding thing isn't too noticeable yet and he's not that short, he just seems it next to Erik who is ginormous. He's sarcastic, and smart, and ridiculously funny. He's also incredibly generous, with his time and his financial means.

If I hadn't been dating Erik, I would have been looking at him through the eyes of a single woman looking for a mate. I looked at every man I met that way. It kept me from really making friends with any guy. But I never looked at Andy that way. I saw him as a cool, fun guy that shared a recently-acquired interest of mine (guns). Hell, the day I met him he gave Erik a brand new shotgun he'd built for his birthday, which was just four days away.

I wouldn't have gotten to meet him like this. Well, I might have met him since he was associated with some of our friends already, but I got to look at him as a person and not a penis. It's a much better view of the world. Now he's almost definitely going to Kuwait to make guns for anywhere from one to three years. He'll come back debt-free (he has to pay back gunsmithing school, which he just finished last summer) with 100 to 150k in the bank, ready to buy a house and start a life. How brilliant is that?

I'm nervous about him going to Kuwait, though. I know he'll probably be fine, he's not exactly a soldier, but it's still very dangerous. That's what sparked this post. I realized how much a love him, and it's purely a platonic thing. I'm protective of him like I am my brother or Erik's brothers when he goes back and forth with this destructive, needy girl I'm kind of friends with cause I have to be. I worry about him getting hurt. He's one of my best friends - and he's a guy, and straight. I have had this with two other guys. One was gay and I was still in love with him secretly (then again, I was a silly teenager). The other, the one who got me into guns, I still ended up half-naked with one night once. I am not good at separating things. Not every man is a penis. They may all have one (well most of them, but that's pretty off-topic), but not every man is one.

It's something I hope I can instill in my daughter. Make male friends. Worry about picking a mate from your pool of friends. Strangers to friends, friends to boyfriends. Don't skip that middle part. I want that for her.

I Want Cookies

It's almost 5:30 in the morning and I haven't gone to bed yet, so why not write an entry! That's the logic behind today's post.

I have to say, I cannot wait for cold weather. I want to bake and experiment and right now the A/C is on the fritz, at least downstairs in the kitchen, and even if it was working well down there, turning on the oven is just a bad idea. I live in Memphis and we live in a house with shitty, leaky, single-pane windows with rotting trim that make it 83 degrees when it's set to 75. It does not get any cooler during the day. Add on the 300% humidity and the last thing you want to do is bake cookies. However, I've spent far too much of my time on Pinterest finding recipes and crafts. Between the two, my head is swirling and buzzing and all I want is to do stuff, but I don't have the money for it.

My life. For reals.
And I also love Scrivener. I'm making a recipe book using the template they have for it. It's unbelievably awesome. I copy and paste recipes in and it's very simple to format it how I want if I paste it in with destination formatting (ctrl+shift+V instead of just ctrl+V). Since there's always an image, I paste that in until I'll be able to take and add my own pictures.

Last Christmas I tried a few new cookie recipes, a Nutella-swirled peanut butter cookie that everyone loved (my PB cookies are legendary and a huge hit in this house, plus Erik is a Nutella freak so it was obvious that I had to try this), a Rolo cake mix cookie (it's impossible to describe without the recipe and pictures) that went over pretty well as well, and a peanut butter-banana-honey-oat dog cookie. I got the boys to try the batter on the dog cookie and they admitted it wasn't that bad. I think the dog cookie may have been the biggest hit the way my dogs went nuts and the way even Erik's old dog at his parents' house, Bandit, loved them. I was told she never usually likes dog treats.

Anyway, all of this was done on the 23rd and 24th, very last minute. I wish I'd been smart and started baking sooner. This year, the moment it gets chilly I'm pulling up Pinterest, pulling up my Scrivener recipe book (I'm so sad because due to computer death I lost the other one I'd been working on, so I'll have to re-Google some recipes), and breaking out the cookie sheets. Making this recipe book just fuels my need.

There was honestly no point to this post. I'm just sleep-deprived because I don't think Ever's feeling too great, yet I can't sleep anyway. Erik took her out of the room for the last hour and I didn't even yawn. I think I'm becoming nocturnal, which sucks since I'll have to go back to work again soon... Oh well. We'll figure it out.

Thing is, though, she was a great sleeper at first. This only happened in the last two or so weeks...

Saturday, July 7, 2012

For God's Sake...

Erik let me pass out when he got home from work last night, but now she's mine since five. She won't sleep... Why won't she sleep? She's been fed, burped, changed... I swaddled her, it made her mad. I unswaddled her, she's still mad. She's in her swing, rocking. She wants me to hold her, but she hasn't slept all night, and I honestly didn't sleep very well either. The light was on, I still had my bra on, and I kept listening for her.

I'm going to go insane...

UPDATE: (6:35am)
Omg, she might be falling asleep. Please God... PLEASE...

Friday, July 6, 2012

Weight, Writing, and Brains

Yesterday afternoon I weighed myself and I was 237.5, but this morning I was 235.5 so I'm not sure which it is. I'm just going with it. If I go with the lower one, I still keep gaining a pound a week. I don't know why. I'm not really trying hard or anything, but I'm not binging or anything either. I barely eat thanks to Ever. Maybe that's the problem. I need to try to eat better and get some sort of breakfast in. I found a pin for salad in a jar that doesn't go bad for a week. If I can convince my mom to buy a vacuum sealer (fat chance, but I'll give it a shot) I might be able to do it. I love salads. So does Erik and my dad, so that might help convince her.

New subject, I've started a blog for a series of posts for a story I've had in my head. I don't know if I'll keep up with it for very long, but I wanna try and update it once a week or so to keep the story going. It's called Project White Wing and the link is in the top tabs on this blog.

More random. My little chubs keeps wanting to eat and eat. I've gotten used to it now, but I keep having to make new bottles and then she tops herself off with a little more and so often I forget to refrigerate the leftovers. Ounces of formula at a time go to waste that way. My brain is completely crapped out. I need more sleep. And to get better at remembering to put the bottles in the fridge.

By the way, Erik's new job is the full time position. :D

Wednesday, July 4, 2012


Erik and I went out to celebrate his new job last night. We went and saw Ted. It was pretty funny. I liked it. It was one of those stupid comedies that wasn't completely awful. But maybe it's because Mila Kunis is damned sexy and awesome. And afterward, we went to The Fox and Hound, a pub near his parents' house. I got a couple of pictures. I can't put them on Facebook for a little bit because Erik played hookie from work last night, but I can put them on here.

This was called "Island Rum Berry Punch," I think. It was fantastically fruity. I also tried a vodka drink called "Fruit Loopy," and we each did a shot called "Apple Jack," Jack Daniels and some Sour Apple thing. It was delicious.

My cheeks are so flushed from the alcohol in those last two. Those were in his mom's bathroom while we picked up Everleigh. Speaking of which, she turned a month old on the 30th (she was born May 31st) and I got some pictures of her in her birthday outfit last night. She's adorable.

 We call this her grumpy old man face.

That's all. I'm getting really into Pinterest lately and I want to try crafting some things. Erik and I have to hit the stores anyway, so I might get a few supplies. My camera isn't the best (I wish I had my dad's, but he and my mom are in Idaho for a week visiting their best friends), but if I make anything, I'll try and take pictures and post them.

Tuesday, July 3, 2012

Uncrossed! (Update)

HE GOT THE JOB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

He goes in Thursday to get it set up, do the paperwork, etc. We don't know for sure if it's the part-time or full-time position, but we think it's the full-time. And the guy (Dave) said they'll be paying him more than originally thought. They had thought ten an hour, which is amazing. He's making 8.50 at Best Buy right now. 8.50 is the normal pay for the position, but they give an extra 1.50 an hour for the overnight. So it'll be more than ten an hour. I was living on my own in CO (higher cost of living) on 11.11, even though it was a struggle, so our incomes together (even though mine isn't much) should be enough to finally start saving to get out of my parents' house. And if I get a job at St. Jude's, that'll be even better. No more parents! We get to be grown ups!

Happy Milestone

She smiled at me!!!!! She's smiled and even laughed in her sleep a few times, but that was her first conscious smile. Erik put her in my arms when she woke up and then disappeared and she turned her head and smiled at me. I don't know or care why, all I know is it happened. To me. Not him. Because she loves her mommy.

But then we gave her a bath and now she's mad again. lol

Oh, and I found my wallet. I'm an idiot.

I Need Sleep...

I woke up at 11:10 today and had a mini heart attack. Everleigh had a doctor's appointment at 11:00 today. I spent almost ten minutes trying to find my wallet with the business card from the office before finding the phone number on something else from the hospital. (I still have no idea where my wallet is...) I called and I'm pretty sure the same guy answered that made her very first appointment. Guess what? Her appointment was yesterday at eleven.

The guy was super sympathetic, but I could tell he was amused and was probably going to have a good laugh at my expense afterward. He got me to spell her name (it is a difficult name) and I think he called her a boy. I'm not sure how that spelling is a boy name. Everly doesn't even seem like a boy name, even though it's listed unisex on the only baby name site where I've ever found it. Anyway, he rescheduled me for next Monday and made it for 3:30. So I can get some sleep, apparently.

And that's been the adventure of the morning. I have spent the rest of the time on Pinterest, entertaining myself looking at things under the Kids category. I love Pinterest.

Monday, July 2, 2012

Fingers Crossed A Little Longer, A Little Tighter (Update)

He had his second interview at five today. We'll hear back within two days. He says it went well. The guy is expecting a little girl soon, so they have that in common. Fingers crossed. Oh, and the full time position does include benefits.

Sunday, July 1, 2012

Socially Acceptable

Two things tonight:

One, who thinks cubic zirconia (high quality cz, of course) is a perfectly acceptable alternative to real diamonds? I do. I don't like the conflict inherent in diamonds, and I don't like the price whether they're the conflict-free variety or not. I also like pearl or white sapphire, but a nice cz? Why not? I'd wear it. Am I crazy?

I like this one, though I might prefer a plain band:

Two, I totally forgot to say it before, but I weighed myself Friday on my home scale, the scale I got the previous week's weight on, and I was actually only at 234.5. So the WIC scale may be the correct weight, but I only gained one pound. Since the home scale is the one I'll have access to each week, that's what I'm going with. Plus it's a much nicer weight.

Saturday, June 30, 2012


A little torn.

Erik and I were talking about marriage again last night. I have nasty depression, only made worse post-partum, and it's struck hard this week. One of those times was Thursday night. We ended up fighting and I ended up self-harming a little, just causing myself pain. It's an old habit from high school that I had pretty much overcome. It's not a big deal, no one freak out. It's not even the focus of this post.

I'm working on it. And Erik knows about it. What I'm trying to get to is the discussion we had last night. We started talking about marriage again, which we had discussed Wednesday when he got the first interview. I asked him if Thursday night's events had made him doubt at all if he wanted to get married, or wonder if we would make it on a forever basis, or if he could handle being with me (I've got issues, dude), or anything like that. He told me no, all couples fight. I pointed out that we never do (we seriously never do, but he actually raised his voice at me during our fight Thursday), and he pointed out all the stress we'd been under, which is more than simply being new parents. Then I asked the question again, asking specifically if my self-harming changed anything and he still said no, just that it scared him a little.

I didn't want to get into it too much last night, so I became more pleasant and up-beat and told him I wanted to call him fiancé. I want to have that. And he pointed out not having a ring. I'm not honestly sure how much that matters to me. I do want a wedding band, but I've never been big on diamonds. Blood diamonds and all. Maybe a pearl or a white sapphire. And while thinking about that, I remembered the claddagh ring I own. It didn't really fit while pregnant, of course, but it might now. So I hopped up and found it and put it on my left ring finger and showed him. He teased me and said, "Yeah, but that doesn't count. I didn't give it to you." And I told him it did count. But he kept saying, "It doesn't count." And I know that a) he's right and b) he was just teasing me, but it kind of hurt. I tried not to show it. I told him it didn't matter, I just wanted to be moving forward with him. He said bluntly, "It's going to be a long engagement."

That's where it really hurt. I don't think he knows how much that hurt. Instantly it ran through my head: Aren't we going to get married if he gets this job (and benefits)? I had told him, Wednesday, straight up that I don't care about having a ceremony. We could have a party in the backyard (it's a beautiful backyard) with our family and friends. I just want to go down to the courthouse and sign my name away. I just want to be married to him.

Plus, I need the insurance. I need mental health support and soon the Celexa will be coming out of our pocket - and the script expires in November anyway. He told me he didn't want to do it for that reason, that it cheapens it. Thing is, we need it. Plain and simple. And it wouldn't be us hurrying despite what I really wanted because of it - it'd be doing what I really wanted (hurrying) and using it as an excuse. I want this.

He said something else, though, something I honestly barely caught. He asked me, "Can't you let me be the man? Get the ring, take you somewhere romantic, surprise you?"

Can't I let him be the man...

Honestly, I hadn't thought about that. I didn't know he wanted that. I wanted a surprise proposal and a ring, but that doesn't really matter anymore. We have a kid. We have medical needs, too. It's important. So now I'm torn. I don't want to take away anything he wanted just like he doesn't want to take away anything I wanted. But doesn't the urgency justify it? If it can get me the help I need, isn't that what matters most?

So I'm torn. I want to give him what he wants, and I do want the ring and the surprise. I even want the wedding, but that's not important to me anymore. But isn't what we need to happen more important? How do I not rush him and take away what's important to him while still pulling off what's important? How do I balance all of this?

Pixel of Ink (Product Pimping)

Baby girl is asleep, though who knows how much longer. I know you're supposed to sleep when they sleep, but it's nearly noon, I have laundry to do, and I actually got a decent night's sleep since Erik took care of her when she was awake.

However, I wanted to share something. Eight of the fourteen books I've read so far in my "read a 1000 new books" bucket list goal were completely free! I got them on Amazon for my Kindle. They aren't free anymore (though they are very cheap), but plenty of others are. I found them thanks to the handy-dandy Pixel of Ink Facebook page. They have a website that each FB post links to and they post free or discounted Kindle and Nook books, sometimes quite a few posts in one day. The books only stay free or on sale for a day or two, so you want to snatch up anything you want quickly. It's totally the best site for readers I've found out there.

Anyway, now Ever's awake. I need to get dressed and get her breakfast. Maybe afterwards she'll let me get some laundry done and some food of my own? Yeah... Probably not...

Friday, June 29, 2012

Fingers Still Crossed (Update)

He had his interview yesterday. Apparently it went very, very well. He's moving on to a second interview with the big guy. Also, because of his prior experience working nights at FedEx for eight years, the guy said Erik is their first choice - for the full time position! I'm pretty sure that would guarantee benefits - and a shiny ring. :)

And as yesterday was Thursday, there's another update I'm supposed to give. I got WIC set up for Ever and her formula and they weighed me and I was 237. A gain of four pounds. No good. But not gonna beat myself up over it. No pictures this week. I don't think I'll do those weekly, but I will try to weigh myself every week.

The end!

Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Fingers Crossed


So Erik is in school to become a strength and conditioning coach, if he gets it. It's one of those hit or miss jobs, but if he doesn't have success getting with a team or anything, he can still have a ton of success working for a gym as a personal trainer or even opening his own fitness center. At least, I guess that's what his major leads to. XD It really is confusing to me.

He's been working at Best Buy in inventory for a while now. It's not great, but it pays the bills. Some of them anyway lol. He's been bidding on an overnight desk job at the local Lifetime fitness to get his foot in the door with a gym. He's been trying for months, every time something opened up. (It emails him when something at Lifetime opens up.) No luck. Then today we were on our way to his mom's house - Ever and I are going to hang here until he's off work because he works late on Tuesdays and she's going through an awful growth spurt, plus my own mom isn't home to help this week - and he got a call out of the blue from them. They want to interview him Thursday!

We need this so bad I can't even express it. We're barely scraping by, living with my parents. Neither of us have insurance. I got Medicaid while pregnant, but it expires six weeks post-partum and I'm not sure if I can get it back. I don't work enough to qualify for the Community Health Center for the working poor. He doesn't have any insurance and he has minor health problems and bad vision. He needs new glasses and contacts. He also has a couple cavities and I haven't been able to go to the dentist in so long that I've lost two molars from very old cavities. Yes, disgusting, I know. And to top it off, the most pressing problem is that I have depression and it's only been worsened post-partum. I need to get counseling and I only have a prescription through November for my anti-depressants. I'll have to pay out of pocket once Medicaid ends, too, and I don't know if I can afford that.

Plus we have a new baby. Thank God she gets TenderCare through the state since neither of us has insurance.

I'm also looking at a job that will end up with benefits because it's at St. Jude's. (A hospital, the children's cancer research hospital in Memphis if you haven't heard of it.) But I'm not cleared yet for work yet and it's still not guaranteed. Erik's mom works there and can get me in to talk to the guy, but it depends on if there's even a position open. If Erik could get this job, there's a chance he'll have benefits. Still, it's not technically full time, so I'm not sure if it will.

We're not married yet. I wouldn't have qualified for Medicaid as a family. I might qualify without being pregnant, so we'd need to stay unmarried. But if he or I gets a job with benefits, we can finally do it. Well, I say finally. We've only been together a year and two months July 1st. But it feels like ages and we had a kid together now. We were talking about it in the truck after his phone call. We both ended up grinning, but by the end of the conversation my face actually hurt from smiling. If he gets this job, and it does provide benefits like he thinks it does, we can get married, and we'll probably do it soon, rather than later. We'll probably just go to a courthouse. That way I can get the mental health care I need right away.

Though, if I don't qualify for Medicaid alone, there's no point in not getting married anymore...

This post has ended up much longer than I intended... I think that happens a lot with me. But I'm just excited and hopeful and trying to be optimistic. Cross your fingers for us!

I end this with an etsy listing for a beautiful and inexpensive wedding band set. I love stuff like this.

Silver Wedding Bands Set Hammered Silver Distressed Squares

Sunday, June 24, 2012

Fussy Baby

I want so bad to be asleep right now. Erik took Ever into the game room and let me have a quiet bedroom last night, but I still didn't sleep solidly. I've only slept solidly twice, when my mom took Ever downstairs and let me have a nap or took her all night so Erik and I could both just sleep. When Erik takes her, I still don't relax. I trust him, but he asks me questions a lot. "Should I do this? Should I do it this way? Should I put the swing on swing mode or vibrate mode?" And I'm as clueless as he is. But he's great when he has her on his own and I've slept better each time. Still, I have bad dreams when he's not in the bed with me, so I think that's a part of it.

Anyway, I got up and it was quarter til ten. He had to leave a little after eleven to be to work by twelve and he won't be home until eight. My mom and brother, my two main helpers (especially my mom, but Jon has been amazing these past few days in particular) when Erik's not home, left this morning for a week-long church camp. Ever started out great for a while, but a little after noon she woke up and about an hour and a half later the fussiness was driving me insane. She kept needing something and I didn't have a clue what it was.

Eventually, I went down because my dad's painting the front door and then installed some new porch lights. Since he's painting, there's a film over the door and he asked me to turn the lights on to test them. As I'm standing there in the foyer - the foyer with hardwood floors - Everleigh suddenly begins to vomit all over me. I have yet to figure out whether vomit or poop bothers me more, but at least the poop isn't usually on me. So the vomit gets all over the floor and I scream and begin swearing and my dad, who can't see in through the film, asks what's wrong. I exclaim that she's puking and it got on the floor. Then more puke comes up and I scream some more and run to basically wrap her in a giant beach towel from the laundry room. I'm covered in it, she's covered in it, the floor's covered in it... Thankfully, my dad came around through the garage and back into the house and cleaned up the floor without a word. I stripped her and cleaned her off, then managed to change. But the baby stayed fussy.

Now I finally got her to sleep in the swing, but she wakes up a lot, especially if its awful music times out and turns off. So I can't take advantage of it and nap because I have to keep turning the music back on for her...

And now she just woke up again...

Friday, June 22, 2012

Excavating My Real Self

This is me. Or it was last May when Erik and I first got together. On the right is actually our first date and the day we became an official couple. Please ignore my ridiculous bird impersonation.

I was cute (or at least I felt cute and Erik likes curvy girls). Maybe I would get a nose job if I won the lottery, but I really have come to terms over the years with my wide-bridged schnauz. When my weight is down (I was around 140 in these pictures), my face thins out and even my big Polish nose seems to get a little thinner. I look and feel much, much prettier. Then I find a good hairstylist, a good box of hair dye (I love the newish Jon Frieda foaming stuff you can do yourself - the colors last so well, even the reds!), and a new wardrobe off the Kohl's clearance racks. Ninety percent of looking good is feeling good and I felt amazing.

These are my inspiration pictures.

I want to get back to my happy weight. 140 for me is amazing. I have a muscular, curvy build. I could lose a little more at that point, do some toning especially, but really it was great. Fitting into size ten jeans was incredible. I finally wore a pair of shorts that weren't knee-skimming bermudas and I looked cute. I want to have the body I had when the man I love fell in love with me.

He's great, don't get me wrong. He's never made me feel bad about my weight gain (which honestly started before I got pregnant, after I moved back to Memphis [I had been living in Colorado for the previous ten months which is part of how I lost so much weight to begin with] and was less active because it was summer and horrible) and he'll tell me out of the blue, "You look really cute today in that shirt." He's still massively turned on by me, even with my empty belly overhang, horrid stretch marks, and c-section scar. We made it a whole twelve days before I sent him for condoms and lube and we did the deed again post-partum. It was supposed to be six weeks? Oops.

Still, I want to feel sexy again with my clothes off. I want to get back into my small tops, all packed away in my mom's attic in a bin. I miss my red tube top and cute sundresses. Simply put, I want to be me again, the real me I found out I can be. The real me I'd been covering up with chocolate and carbs because I never felt good about myself. The real me that I didn't know could exist until she ran away and broke out.

It took living with a hot-headed ex that bordered on abusive (definitely manipulative) to make me feel so bad I needed to stop eating, then leaving him and feeling so good I just didn't need to comfort eat and got out more. I was a fat girl all through school and then I managed to lose that. Now it's here again and I will not let Fat Jaclyn win. Fat Jaclyn is not a happy person, not a healthy person. She's not who I want my daughter to grow up with. This time it won't take a bad ex to get myself in shape. Now that I know I can do it, I have a much better inspiration: I want to be able to chase my little girl around, to be a hot mom (I'm only twenty-two for Christ's sake!) and not some frumpy thing who let herself go when she had kids.

So now that I've rambled again, let's get to the bottom line of this post. Every Thursday (since I had my daughter on a Thursday and therefore that marks another week post-partum) I will weigh myself and take pictures of my progress to post on here. I weighed myself yesterday, but fell a little behind and only took the pictures today. Oops. Here it is:

Two things before I continue: First off, my underwear looks so ridiculous because I'm still wearing granny panties after my c-section and I scrunched them down to get the pictures. Second, please refrain from mocking the stickers on my mirror. This was my room growing up and they were all added between ages 13 and 15. We're living with my parents right now.

So I was wrong on my weigh in of 233. It's 233.5. Oh well. I'm still pleased, even if it's 4.5 pounds lost and not five. I'm eating much less than I used to and much, much less than I was while pregnant, so I think it'll help me have a good weigh in next week, too. I actually was very naughty and went in the pool today and swam around, so I'm starting to get more exercise. I think I'm not actually supposed to do that until I'm six or eight weeks post-partum, but I'm healed up really well and I've actually stopped really bleeding, so I said fuck it and hopped in. Totally worth it. It felt so good. Memphis in the summer is hell.

One more thing to wrap this up. Each week, in addition to posting my weight and some pics, I will force myself to find something good to say about my body. So here it is. The dark line that hasn't left yet looks like a cool birthmark or tattoo. Some women don't ever lose theirs, and I think I could live with that.

Thursday, June 21, 2012

Bucket List: 1000 New Books

I made a resolution in 2011 to read more that I'm continuing for this year. It caused me to put read a thousand new books (starting January 1st, 2011, on) on my bucket list. I don't know how I'll know if I managed it, though, unless I keep a list somewhere, so I'm doing that here.
  1. The Red Queen (2010) by Philippa Gregory
  2. My Lady of Cleves: A Novel of Henry VIII and Anne of Cleves (1946) by Margaret Campbell Barnes
  3. Are Women People?: A Book of Rhymes for Suffrage Times (1915) by Alice Duer Miller
  4. Veiled (Veiled Series) (2011) by S.B. Niccum
  5. City of Whispers (City of Whispers, #1) (2011) by Katherine Sorin
  6. The Hunger Games (2008) by Suzanne Collins
  7. Catching Fire (2009) by Suzanne Collins
  8. Mockingjay (2010) by Suzanne Collins
  9. The Mancode: Exposed (2011) by Rachel Thompson
  10. Hollywood Confessions (Hollywood Headlines) (2011) by Gemma Halliday
  11. Campaign Promises (2011) by Laurel Osterkamp
  12. Always the Baker, Never the Bride: An Emma Rae Creation (2010) by Sandra D. Bricker
  13. Sisterhood Everlasting (2011) by Ann Brashares
  14. Flirting With Death (Assassins Anonymous Step One) (2011) by Heidi Hall
  15. Containment (2010) by Christian Cantrell
  16. 50 Ways to Hex Your Lover (2008) by Linda Wisdom
  17. The Old City (City of Whispers, #2) (2012) by Katherine Sorin
  18. American Dreamer (2011) by Theresa Weir
  19. Annie Begins (2011) by Michelle Toth
  20. Anon (2011) by Peter Giglio
  21. Sundered (A Zombie-ish Apocalypse, Book 1) (2011) by Shannon Mayer
  22. Bound (A Zombie-ish Apocalypse, Book 2) (2011) by Shannon Mayer
  23. Dauntless (A Zombie-ish Apocalypse, Book 3) (2011) by Shannon Mayer
  24. The Hazards of Hunting While Heartbroken (2011) by Mari Passananti