Characters: None, really
Rating: PG-13 for suggestions
Word Count: 575
Total Words: 15,144/20,000
Pounce and Rip His Clothes Off: A Study
They say “pounce” and I wonder, “How does one truly ‘pounce’ on a man?” I always imagine a woman in one of those corset-looking lingerie pieces with the straps and a matching thong or cute bikini underwear because I hate thongs. She’s hiding behind the door when he walks in in a suit and tie with a briefcase. He drops his keys on the side table and takes off his hat (which is a fedora because apparently all the people in my imaginary world came straight off the set of Mad Men) just in time for her to leap comically like a cat, but with very little air because she wasn’t running and has had no athletic training in that department at least.
Supposedly she would now “rip his clothes off,” which is also stupid. One imagines the desperate popping of buttons as she tears open the shirt and pushes it and the jacket off in one move, the pants also disappearing like magic. And he happened to not be wearing an undershirt, which is silly. Of course, it’s supposed to hearken back to the idea of claws tearing and just ripping the clothes very literally, but that’s possible only in cartoons. It’s very hard to imagine on a real person. There is no feasible way to actually, realistically rip someone’s clothes off. So you have to fluidly unbutton the couple dozen or so buttons on their shirt, though that may be a ridiculous number since I don’t wear anything with buttons ever. Or imagine a man with a T-shirt or sweater or something and imagine gripping the hem on both sides quickly and expertly, without scratching the poor man. Then you pretend that it’s really possible you’re going to pull it off in one motion without getting caught on his head or too-thick arms or snag his nose or take away glasses…
Say our seductive housewife has actually gotten him naked and on a bed or similar surface. She can’t just “pounce” and get to it. Unless she thought way ahead and sent dirty text messages during the day that might not even have an effect when he gets home, you’re probably going to have to work him up. In my experience simply kissing the man and making your intentions very clear rarely gets the instant cartoon-noise-BOING!!! erection. So then you have to stop, work him up. One of you has to take your clothes off, but you could leave the corset-teddy-thing on on top if you’re in a hurry.
Now, don’t just leap onto the man. You’ll bend or crush or just plain miss the crucial piece of equipment you’ve just wasted time preparing. You need to slip it in gently. I’d suggest being on the bottom, but I feel that doesn’t lend itself to the Pounce Scenario as well. Now, finally, you can go at it.
Obviously, I will never be a romance or literotica writer. I over think things. “She pounced on him and tore his clothes off as they tumbled into bed.” (Oh, God, and the “fell into bed” problem? Don’t get me started on that one…) Like the fedora this fabled pounced-upon man was wearing, or that the woman was definitely wearing lingerie with straps, not just a corset. Or this ending that I’ve rewritten three times.
I think it’s time to pounce on my man and rip his clothes off.